Jeb never wanted to run for office, but with his entire immediate family at the forefront of 21st century American politics, the pressure was on. He ended his failed presidential campaign in the spring of 2016, but his cultural impact remains relevant and deserves attention. We all remember what we were doing when sweet “Jeb!” gave a sub-par speech at his own rally and was met with deafening silence. And no one could forget when he (politely) asked his own supporters to clap for him, somehow managing to make matters worse.
“Please clap.”
– Jeb Bush (2016)
The American people should have clapped, but they didn’t. An orange reality Tv star publicly humiliated Jeb, time and again, and we… let him. Twitter memed him dry, and SNL went to town on the parody debates. Textbook bully Donald Trump effectively “cancelled” Jeb, but my question to you is… was it warranted? Was Jeborah a mess, a waste, and the weakest person on that stage by far?
As the (early) presumptive winner, Jeb and his campaign raised and spent more than 100M dollars… to secure 3 delegates. Needless to say, he lost the primaries, his dignity, and his last fighting chance to make his father proud. His general demeanor brings everyone second-hand embarrassment, and regardless of your standards, he is a (Capital-L) Loser in everyone’s book. Jeb is the guy that rushed every fraternity and didn’t get a single bid. Any of my sorority sisters could outdrink him (on sight). For a time, his Handy Manny- esque slogan, “Jeb can fix it,” was the punchline to all of my jokes. You’re depressed? Jeb can fix it! (It was executed in such poor taste that my friends and family forced me to find a new bit.)
I came here to speak out against the gross mistreatment of Jeb Bush in the 2016 Republican primaries, but it seems (as if) I’ve gotten carried away, and now, I am duly concerned about my karmic balance. Politics undoubtedly broke him, and I hope he has someone to wipe the tears off of his porous face and tell him that everything is going to be a-okay. You deserve the world, Jeb. ❤
“Forget the haters, ’cause somebody loves you.”
– Miley Cyrus (2013)
Unsolicited Takes 