Albeit a necessary step in the right direction, today’s sociopolitical climate is almost entirely centered around social inequality, a topic so important yet so grave in nature that it drains us of an outlet to cope with the times. No need to fret! Whether you’re in the market for (PG-13) serotonin or simply nostalgic for the platform, that is, the cultural reset that defined Generation Z, look no further than Club Penguin Rewritten (CPR)! Some call it a virtual simulation, but I call it Home.
Like my beloved gym of choice (s/o to Planet Fitness!), Club Penguin and its subsequent versions have maintained a “judgment-free” zone; however, similar to our criminal justice system, the interface is not without its share of bad apples. In 2017, CPR’s predecessor, Club Penguin Online, was forcibly shut down after a Bri-ish man used the platform to solicit child pornography… yet another atrocity the British are responsible for, not to mention the unjust colonization of nearly 25% of the world’s populace and the absolute horror that is Beans On Toast.
On a lighter note, my penguin, user P6406531, plays a wide range of games alongside her Penguin Peers, collects coins, and treats herself to clothing, accessories, home improvements, pets, and you guessed it, accessories for the aforementioned pets. I play with two other users, Walleey913 and NewDelhi421, both of whom I know in real life. Unlike me, they have no moral qualms about using online cheat codes to advance in the game, whereas I take pride in honest work, i.e. hauling ass at the Pizzatron. Hey, if it means being able to afford the pricier items in next month’s catalog, I am willing to look past the carpal tunnel, as should you.
With the undying support of my family, friends, and educators, I am proud to announce that I have decidedly abandoned LinkedIn and now exclusively use Club Penguin Rewritten to network with business professionals like myself. It all boils down to building rapport with like-minded users and scoring invites back to their igloos in the least suggestive way imaginable. The dangers of online anonymity and multiplayer gaming are few in comparison to the game’s uncapped potential for fun. Create an account, name a penguin, and join a server today!
Keep calm and waddle on.
– Jesus Christ
Unsolicited Takes 