Elon Musk

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Elon Musk lives in my head, rent-free. Yeah, he’s a multibillionaire, which makes him problematic by default, but I can’t help but find myself drawn to the story of his life.

He was born in Pretoria, South Africa in 1971 and became a child prodigy to flex on his Dad. Plagued with level-10 daddy issues, 17-year-old Musk left South Africa to live with his mom in Canada. There, he co-founded his first company, Zip2, and sold it, pocketing $22 million, which he then used to found Paypal. Later, Ebay bought out Paypal, and Musk walked away with $165 million, enough to treat every person in the state of Utah to a fancy seafood boil and leave a generous tip. Instead, he used his millions to found Space-X, a private entity on a mission to normalize interplanetary travel, colonize Mars, and chase intergalactic clout. As if that wasn’t enough of a time commitment, Musk bought himself into Tesla, Inc., made himself C-E-Hoe, and saved the electric car manufacturing company from impending doom.

An impressive resume, no doubt, but what makes him interesting is not his rise to riches, but instead, the absurd chain of events that characterizes his personal life. Let’s circle back to his daddy issues, shall we? Two years ago, his father, Mr. Errol Musk, reportedly procreated with his own… step-daughter, deepening the decades-long rift between father and son. Read that again. In the same year, Elon Musk, then twice divorced, abandoned his quest for true love after yet another failed talking stage, that is, until he met Grimes, a distinctly goth Canadian musician who puts Tik Tok’s e-girls to shame. The couple made their debut at the 2018 Met Gala, followed by another appearance at Kim Kardashian’s annual Christmas rager. (The simulation is glitching!) In recent news, the couple welcomed a newborn into the matrix and settled on the name, X Æ A-12. (Years from now, a substitute teacher will flawlessly call upon X Æ A-12 but mispronounce Mohammed). Admittedly, it’s hard to ignore his controversial tweets, less-than-ethical business practices, and seemingly endless lawsuits, but if I may, Elon Musk has made tremendous strides in the effort to prolong humanity, and only time will tell if history files him under hero or villain.